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Tried by the Centre Court
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Vanessa
I wonder if you've noticed how, whenever you have something vitally important happen in your own private life, something you want to discuss immediately with all your friends, that is the moment you cannot get hold of a single one of them. Well, this next song is about just that emotional problem. This song is in no way autobiographical. There have been some doubts, I wouldn't like you to think it was; it's called Vanessa, but I don't know anyone called Vanessa. Just as mf at the top of the music doesn't stand for Michael Flanders. mf is a musical indication. It means the song should be sung "mit feeling".
I suffer in silence more than most-
I suppose I'm made that way,
But there comes a time when it's talk or burst!
That time has come today-
The most ghastly crisis of my whole life.
I don't want to be a bore
But it's time for chums to rally round.
I mean, that's what chums are for!
I said to myself when it happened:
I'll just can't face this thing alone;
I don't dare leave the house of course,
But, thank God, there's the phone.'-
So I've spent today giving all my friends a ring
And tonight I'm facing one more, quite appalling thing.
Nobody wants to hear about Vanessa
And the terrible thing Vanessa's done to me!
I rang up good old Arthur
Before it got me down,
But his mother, Mrs Hapsburg,
Told me Arthur's out of town;
She obviously thought I was only trying to impress her,
When I said I needed Arthur right away
And she didn't really seem to want to hear about Vanessa
And the vitally urgent thing I have to say!
Nobody wants to hear about Vanessa
And the hideous mess Vanessa's got me in.
I got through to the Harts
And they were as nice as they could be,
But Siriol explained they'd got
The Bishop there to tea.
Sydney couldn't have been tourjours la poltesse-r
But he said he had to go out and hadn't shaved
So there wasn't time to stay and hear me talk about Vanessa
And the quite fantastic way that she's behaved.
I rang up Ethel Seale in the middle of a meal;
She said 'I'll ring you back': I know she won't.
Virginia's gone to Cannes with that rather awful man;
God knows what she sees in him, I don't.
Henry wouldn't hear a word, he'd got something on the Third;
Then I got through to the Gasboard - by mistake;
While Lucienne I think must have had too much to drink -
She kept mumbling on about Go and Yump in a Lake.
Anyway,
None of them wanted to hear about Vanessa
And the unforgivable treatment I've received.
Sandy isn't on the phone now,
So that goes for Julian too -
Colin Wilson has had his cut off,
That's the best thing he could do!
I don't want to unburden myself to Janet, bless her.
And it isn't the sort of thing I discuss with Swann -
So I couldn't find a soul to hear me talk about Vanessa
And the quite impossible way she's carrying on!
Nobody wants to hear about Vanessa
And the indescribably awful thing she's done.
I rang up Elisabeth hourly,
And every time I tried,
Somebody took the receiver off,
But nobody replied.
When I think of the times I've acted as father confessor
When their permutated love lives go astray,
It's hard to find that not a single one of my so-called friends
Can spare a minute to listen to what I've got to say!
Perhaps you d like to hear about Vanessa?
What she did-and how it's finished me because ...
Well, it all started...
No! It's quite obvious all of you here just couldn't care less about Vanessa.
So I'm bothered if I'm going to tell you what it was!
Originally from the album 'Tried by the Centre Court'.
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