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Tried by the Centre Court
At the Drop of a Hat
At the Drop of Another Hat
The Bestiary of Flanders and Swann
And Then We Wrote...
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Built Up Area

A monologue, spoken by MF

So much building going on everywhere else, on Sailsbury plain, nothing. Hasn't been any building there for, ooh, 4,000 years, I suppose. Even then I dare say back in neolithic times there was some stone-age man standing in the observation platform watching what was going on, I dare say he didn't care for it much either.
What's this then? You're not going to put up these ugly stone blocks here, are you? You can't do that, I've got ancient lights on my cave. Well, what is it anyway? A henge? Well, what's a henge? You may call it megalithic culture, I call it vandalism. You realise this is about the last nesting place for mammoths in the whole of Wessex? What, with them building up the long barrows and the round barrows and the bell-shaped barrows, they've started cutting out these white horses in the hillside now, have you seen that? I dunno, it's some sort of ad. for mead, I think. They don't call 'em the beaker folk for nothing. And then you come along dragging these great pre-fabricated dominoes all over the roads. They're not meant for that sort of traffic. Every fine weekend it's the same story, ox-carts nose-to-tail all the way from here to the coast. I don't know where you get that stone from anyway. It's not local stone; I can tell. Where? The Preselli mountains? In Wales? I know it's in Wales, I've been abroad. What do you want to bring it all that way - you're bringing it the wrong way anyway. You want to bring it on the Chantebury ring road, avoiding earthworks at Avebury.
What a horrible looking thing. Well, that's all there is to it, just two up and one across the top? Well, if that's modern architecture, roll on the ice age, that's what I say. Well, you'll never get a roof on it for a start. Never get twigs big enough. We had a woodhenge here once, but it rotted. These big picture-windows you've got all round the bottom. Well, they look very nice, I grant you, but what about the draughts? What about the lack of privacy? Who wants to live in a thing like that? Well, you tell me when they start moving in, will you? We get quite a pretty rowdy crowd in some of these new developments. I don't want to end up under the alter stone in a crouching position. It's not going to be lived in? Well, that's something anyway. What is it then? It's a what? You're pulling my... A calendar? Well, it's a bit big for a calendar, isn't it? I mean, you'd look a bit silly with that on your desk, wouldn't you? Well, how d'you work it, then? You come up here every morning before dawn - well better you than me, mate, yes. And when the rising sun throws a shadow of that big stone onto this flat one here, then we shall know if it's summer. Well, that will be very helpful, I must say. Is it summer? You can't tell. Well, I had better come and help you shovel the snow off it then, hadn't I.

Originally from the album 'Tried by the Centre Court'.