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The Wompom

We have a song here, more or less as a postscript, it's about something that's not really an animal, but it's certainly more than a mere vegetable. I am referring, of course, to that fantastic newly-discovered hybrid, the Wompom. If you have not yet heard of this fabulous new raw material, and it is, I am proud to say, the discovery of a British scientist, a professor Werne von Lebensraum, let us tell you something about the Wompom, and the factory where it is turned into everything you could possibly want. Factory noises coming up.


You can do such a lot with a Wompom,
You can use every part of it too.
For work or for pleasure,
It's a triumph, it's a treasure,
Oh there's nothing that a Wompom cannot do.

Now the thread from the coat of the Wompom
Has the warmth and resilience of Wool
You need never wash or brush it,
It's impossible to crush it
And it shimmers like the finest sort of tulle.

So our clothes are all made from the Wompom;
Modern Gowns, Sportswear, Lingerie (Going up)
They are waterproof and plastic
Where it's needed they're elastic
And they emphasise the figure as you see.

Hail, to thee blithe Wompom.
Hail, to thee O Plant!
All-providing Wompom.
Universal Aunt!

You can shave with the rind of a Wompom,
And it acts like a soapless shampoo.
And its root in little doses
Keeps you free from halitosis
Oh, there's nothing that a Wompom cannot do,
Nothing that a Wompom cannot do,
Nothing that a Wompom cannot do.

Now the thick inner shell of a Wompom
You can mould with a finger and thumb.
Though soft when you began it
It'll set as hard as granite
And it's quite as light as aluminium.

So we make what we like from the Wompom,
And that proves very useful indeed.
From streets full of houses
To the buttons on your trousers
With a Wompom you have everything you need.

Gaudeamus Wompom,
Gladly we salute!
Vade mecum Wompom,
Philanthropic Fruit!

Oh, the thin outer leaf of the Wompom
Makes the finest Havana cigar
And its bottom simply bristles
With unusual looking thistles
But we haven't yet discovered what they are.

You can do such a lot with a Wompom,
You can use every part of it too.
For work or for pleasure,
It's a triumph, it's a treasure,
Oh there's nothing that a Wompom cannot do.

Oh, the flesh in the heart of a Wompom
Has the flavour of porterhouse steak.
And its juice is a liquor
That will get you higher quicker
And you're still lit up next morning when you wake.

Wompom! Wompom!
Let your voices ring!
Wompom! Wompom!
Evermore we sing!

To record what is what in a Wompom
Needs a book twice as thick as Who's Who
I could tell you more and more about this fascinating flora
You can shape it, you can square it,
You can drape it you can wear it,
You can ice it, You can dice it,
You can pare it, You can slice it,
Oh there's nothing that a Wompom cannot do!
Nothing that a Wompom cannot do!
Nothing that a Wompom cannot do!


Originally from the album 'The Bestiary of Flanders and Swann'.